Ready?..

It was at the end of October last year that I decided to write this blog regularly and reflect weekly about all the things that I was learning to love as they were. Little did I know that shortly after starting what was supposed to be a year of reflection, instead of counting down the weeks of blogging, I would become infinitely more interested in the countdown to the arrival of our first baby (we found out I was pregnant in early December).

  

Over the last few weeks, I have found myself in a fascinating state of mind between endings and new beginnings. As I was finalising my hand-over at work and wrapping up various projects, I felt what I can only describe as sinking into myself, with no desire to socialize or leave the house for that matter. I had absolutely no need to absorb any new information, nor share my thoughts with others – and hence I gave myself a permission to stop writing the blog.

Then this week, as I got to the bottom of the ‘things-to-do-before-the-baby-comes’ list, it seemed like a nice idea to pause for a moment and reflect on my pregnancy experience. The plan was to write this super-positive blog post about how amazing it has been, and how wonderfully I continue to feel physically, emotionally, and mentally even in my last days of it. Also, I was going to write about how I did not think any of this was down to pure luck and share all my insights and tips for creating such a positive experience.

So I kept trying to write. I spent days rereading and restarting over and over again, disliking my choice of words, or the slightly ‘I-know-it-all’ tone that the writing was coming out with. And despite (or maybe because of) my efforts, I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere – it all just seemed like too much drafting, crafting and ‘efforting’. (Recently, I have been really inspired by interviews with Alanis Morissette who also had a home birth and is a big advocate for attachment parenting which we resonate with – and she says that when she feels like too much effort is required in her creative process and it is not flowing, it means it’s time to stop and go have a sandwich.)

This morning I woke up just before dawn and had an instant desire to sit down in our terrace with my journal and a fountain pen. And then it happened – the flood of words with no filters of positivity or any pretension about knowing anything at all. I wrote about how impatient I am slowly beginning to get with each day and each night that passes when the baby has still not arrived (we've now passed the official due date). Fears burst out about being behind these timetables, and how home birth can only be possible if we don’t get to the point where induction might be required for medical reasons. My imagination soared on to worst case scenarios that could follow from that, and how, as a result, this absolutely beautiful intention that we have held for the last nine months would dissolve into nothing, leaving me devastated, disappointed, and robbed off of the kind of natural home birth experience that I so badly wanted to have.

I scribbled on about how birth feels like such a ‘public’ event. From the very beginning of pregnancy the belly becomes a public property to touch and to comment on. It remains that way to the very end when everyone wants to contribute with their date predictions or urging to 'just do it'. As much as I love the care and concern from which all this attention originates, I have now disabled all notifications on my phone to keep myself sane. As an ex-sender of innocent (but frequent) ‘has the baby come yet?’ messages I used to think nothing of it. Now being on the receiving end of multiple similar ones, I am beginning to find them irritating as it feels like I have something on my ‘to-do-list’ that I am ‘failing to deliver on time’ and I have the whole world to nag me about it.

I also wrote about how overwhelmingly strange it is not to work for the first time in more than a decade and not to know when or how or if I will be returning the work. Over the last three weeks since I started the maternity leave, my over-achiever’s mind has found it difficult to really switch off and enjoy the space of just being rather than constantly having to do or plan something. The simple but scary truth is that I have absolutely no idea what my new assignment (or promotion as my husband so beautifully called it) of being a full-time mom will require of me. 

At the end of my journaling, I realised that the only way this blog entry will be a true and authentic reflection of how I feel at this moment is if I add a question mark to its title (previous drafts were worded more along the lines of 'Ready!!!'). Yes, I have had an incredibly positive pregnancy, and yes, I still feel that it was not due to luck, but that what I chose to do, think and feel created the experience. If anything, the whole nine month process has left me with greater-than-ever trust in the deep wisdom of our bodies and faith in babies’ choice of how and when they want to arrive for their mission on this planet.

However, despite all the amazing practices and insights that have brought me to the here and the now, can I honestly say that I am ready and that all of this guarantees the outcome I wish for our baby's birth? I found the answer in the words of Davini Malcolm, an Australian actress and a founding member and director of The International College of Spiritual Midwifery:

"Not necessarily, but the surrender that is born out of this type of birth preparation provides a strong foundation for whatever unfolds and allows a more readily accessible communication with yourself in labour and beyond into motherhood."

And now, I think having a sandwich doesn't sound like such a bad idea...

Diafreo and open spaces

A couple of months ago, a friend of mine recommended to me a body-mind therapy called diafreo (or diafreotherapy). I had never heard of it before moving to Spain, and was surprised to find out how little information was available about it online in English, in comparison to the abundance of videos and articles in Spanish.

The word diafreo in Greek means ‘I open and let through’. The philosophy of this therapy is that our bodies are inextricably linked to our emotions and that by working on the body, we not only release tensions, restructure the alignment of the major muscle chains and recover the body's symmetry, but also give ourselves space to release emotions and memories that the body has stored throughout our lives. Therefore, the awareness of the body is connected to the awareness of our emotions, and harmonizing and healing of one will have the same effect on the other.

My experience with it so far has been nothing short of magical. I am certain that this type of body-mind work would be incredibly beneficial to me in any circumstances, but as I am entering the second half of my eight pregnancy month, I really cannot think of a better way to spend 1.5 hours each week.

In the physical sense, I have experienced wonderful relief from tensions and aches of my changing body. Some of these sensations are related to the natural progression of pregnancy while others are due to my specific body type, posture, history and daily activity. For example, I generally find that I feel more relaxed and supple on the days when I move more rather when I sit in front of the computer (even if it’s on a yoga ball). In the beginning of each diafreo session when I first lie down on the mat (most of the therapy takes place while lying down), I feel as if my body's weight is absolutely enormous and all seemingly concentrated in my sacrum. The only way I can explain the sensation it’s as if the entire Earth were a giant magnet and my sacrum was the exact spot where my metallic body was fused with it. These moments of becoming aware of gravity in such a profound way, are also an opportunity to notice the breath, scan the body, and become aware of any emotions or sensations about what it is like to live in my body at that moment.

During the sessions, the therapist works with the different tensions in the body while gently guiding through breathing techniques, and asking questions to facilitate any release that might occur – be it physical or psychic. The actual physical sensations vary from ticklish to painful, but with the space and ways to express all of that through breath, voice or movements, it becomes the most incredible experience of just being present and witnessing the ebb and flow of it all.

It most certainly feels that during the sessions there are new spaces created in my body as certain muscles relax and bones readjust to a more optimal position. Usually during the sessions I experience a lot of baby movements, which is an indication that the baby is also changing position or moving to where there is less tension and more space. I keep describing that at the end of the sessions my body feels like it is made of clouds – light, spacious and somehow limitless, as if everything around me is an extension of ‘me’.

In addition to the physical benefits, diafreo has been a wonderful opportunity to be present with my mind and emotional states. Numerous memories, thoughts and feelings arise through the changes and sensations in my body. I have been surprised to have a giggly tickle in my psoas muscle lead to tears and memories about sad moments in the past relationships, or have the images of all dentist appointments come up during an exercise to release tension from my jaw. There have also been moments where certain positions or body movements have allowed fears or worries to resurface in relation to the pregnancy and birth that I was not really even aware of (or did not really want to be). 

The sessions end with beautiful meditations about new open spaces in my body and mind. I am guided to imagine a stream of life energy that is gently filling up my body with light, illuminating me and the baby. These moments flood me with profound gratitude for being able to connect with and honour myself in such a way and with love for this tiny little being about to enter our lives. 

The key theme of my experience with diafreo and the reason why I wanted to share all of this is 'allowing space' - which is to give ourselves the opportunity to be present with all the physical sensations, emotions and thoughts that are there in each moment. To open up and to let it flow through exactly as it is without judging, adding labels, resisting or suppressing. After all, now is all that we really have. 

The healing powers of women

We spent the last weekend in the south of Spain on one of our favourite beaches. This place has become very special to us over the last year because it is close to where we got married, and it guards some lovely memories. Last September I slept there right under the stars and ate unlimited amounts of fresh pomegranates with a very close friend of mine. It was also there that we celebrated my husband's birthday and decided that we wanted to have babies. On top of that it's wild, spacious and beautiful, as well as allows any degree of nakedness and dogs - which is just how our Basset Hound Pepe likes it.

As we live in Spain, sunshine is not exactly a rare commodity, so we did not mind it too much that the weekend was a little cloudy and not as hot as in Madrid. It was wonderful to just be immersed in the sound of the sea and enjoy the sand. We got back to our little cottage in the evening soaked with warmth and blissfully tired from being outdoors most of the day.

At night my husband and I were woken up by the sound of Pepe scratching and flopping his enormous ears. As he kept walking around the dark room and shaking his head it became obvious that this was not just a random scratch that happens to all of us. He appeared to be in a lot of discomfort and was not about to go back to sleep. I left the room with him to have a look at his ears in the bathroom. One of his ears was pink and hot inside, and he seemed to be experiencing something between itchiness and pain, because he wanted me to scratch it gently but would wince if I pressed on the skin. Given the size of Basset Hounds' ears and their unique capacity to collect dust and dirt, this breed is prone to ear infections. However, as I had cleaned Pepe's ears a day earlier, it just didn't seem like the right diagnosis. An image came to my mind of Pepe having a really long nap on the beach on his back with his ear flopped outwards, and it hit me that it was sunburn. Despite the occasional clouds, we had all been soaked by the sun a little too much. So I looked through the magic potions and oils that I take with me to all trips, and found some lavender infused organic olive oil I had made this spring with lavender from our nearby mountains. I gently rubbed it inside his ear and we returned back to the dark bedroom.

Pepe got into his bed and I stooped beside it to make sure he settled in. I was gently stroking his fur while he licked his paws to comfort himself, and I imagined him falling asleep and all of us spending a peaceful night to wake up rested. As I was doing it, I remembered an interview with Eckhart Tolle that I had listened to earlier during the week in which he suggested a practice of mini meditations of 15 - 30 seconds. The key idea was to spend those few seconds being really and truly present in the moment, no matter what it was, experiencing it as if it was the ultimate goal in and of itself rather than just some temporary activity to get us to a desired outcome (for example, washing the dishes to experience the washing of the dishes rather than just to get through it for the final result of a clean kitchen, or as in my case - getting the dog to calm down so that we could all sleep).

And here I was in the present moment. The room was filled with pitch black darkness. I became aware of the smell of lavender and the sounds of my husband's and Pepe's breathing as well as some strange nocturnal bird outside. I could feel Pepe's short fur and the warmth of his paw in my hand, the temperature of my own body and how naked I was (pajamas in our household are reserved to a few cold winter nights each year). I sensed the weight of my big pregnant belly, and how nicely I could still squat in my favourite position. I felt the intention of my present actions - to be there for this floppy-eared creature wanting to be cared for.

Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with a profound feeling of connection with every woman out there who at any point in time and space had sat there next to someone in need of comfort. All of us - my mom who appeared as a blurry image on feverish nights in my childhood, a nurse from an old war film caring for soldiers, and even some cave woman attending her man's wounds inflicted by a saber-tooth tiger thousands of years ago - leaning over with faces full of loving concern. Here we were all connected to this primal source of the universe's feminine energy, the very essence and raw embodiment of nurturing and healing, rooted in the core of the earth. The sensation was a throbbing mixture of intense power and the most serene trust in myself, my body, and all the women as a collective. Trust that we can have the awareness and intuition to discern what is needed in each moment without resistance or declaring wars against dis-comforts, dis-eases or bacteria, and that we have the force to just hold the space needed for the healing to take place. Just when I reached the peak of this ecstatic moment of realizing how incredible is the power that the women have to nurture life and to be the very gate through which it enters this planet, I heard a small snore escape from Pepe's nose. And like all superwomen, I knew that it is always a sign to smugly get back to bed.

Preaching from the mountain top

Do you know that feeling when you have an experience so profound that it cannot be described in words, and yet that is precisely what you feel you need to do? Or when you learn something you think is so important that it shakes you to the core of your cells and you want the world to know it?

Lately it feels like this happens to me on a daily basis. However, over and over again I discover a small problem – which is the realization that the whole experience or newly acquired nugget of knowledge only really holds such significance for the person experiencing it rather than the world in general. As a consequence, the one sharing their experience ends up looking a lot like disheveled and out-of-breath Moses who has just run down the mountain to tell everyone how amazing the views are from the top - only to realize that people cannot really understanding what he is saying because of his panting. That also has been happening to me recently. 

There are certain topics that I am absolutely fascinated with and passionate about – presently, it's organic food, alternative approaches to health, holistic pregnancy and birth, to name just a few. I spend hours each week reading, watching or listening to bountiful information related to these topics, often times wondering whether it settles in somewhere in my head or just sieves through. Just in case it's the latter and because in that moment it feels like the most important thing ever, I feel like I need to share. My husband knows this only too well because at least 5 times a day I start our conversations with 'Whoa, did you know that ..?' or 'So I was reading this amazing thing about ...' 

It would be fine if this desire to share was contained to the immediate circle of people that have infinite patience with me. The issue arises when I start feeling like I really want everyone to know. I haven't yet reached the point of trying to persuade strangers on the street to listen to me, but I often find myself triggered when someone innocently brings up food or health as a conversation topic. Or, worse yet, when someone gives me a piece of advice that I simply cannot quietly agree with. Recently, I think most people are not prepared for the number of words and quotes that seem to burst out of me at the mention of any of those subjects, and probably regret having started the conversation.

Last week it happened just after I was advised that in order to have healthy teeth during pregnancy and beyond, I had to make sure to drink a lot of milk. While I won’t deny that fresh milk from a healthy happy organically-fed free-range cow has nutritional benefits, I really don’t think that what is currently available in shops labelled as ‘milk’ fits that description. It only takes a quick google search of ‘milk myth’ to discover a long list of reasons to avoid milk altogether and replace it instead, for example, with a glass of freshly squeezed organic carrot or greens juice. 

But I digress. The point is that this innocent dairy-related suggestion stirred up in me such an abundance of information and advice that I felt I had to share in exchange – ranging from substances found in conventional milk, to GMOs, to meridians that connect our teeth with the rest of our body, etc. etc. However, the topic got changed in such an abrupt way that it felt as if I suddenly head-butted an invisible door with sentences still trying to escape my mouth.

I spent the next few days returning back to the situation in my mind and feeling slightly annoyed. I mean, why would someone so rudely turn down an opportunity to hear a good piece of advice or a few fascinating facts about our bodies and health? Well, sure I didn’t want to accept their tip about milk, but that was different. It had to be because someone was not ready for the changes that accepting the information would mean or the commitment it would require. After all, it’s impossible to unlearn things – so sometimes we all prefer not knowing.  

But I also know it better and can no longer unlearn that all that happens around me is simply a reflection of my internal world. So as much as I wanted to keep searching for reasons why someone would shut down my desire to share, it was clear that it would only take me so far. So slowly I had to start looking for the answers within. 

Over the next few days it dawned on me that I am the one who is quite guarded against any information that might disrupt my peaceful pregnancy bubble. Sure, I share and allow things to flow out but what comes in is very carefully filtered to match only what strongly resonates with me or what inspires me. Over the last few months I have kept in close touch with only a few family members and friends who I know I can rely on for peaceful and pleasant conversations. It also gently came to my attention that perhaps I have been trying to juggle too much recently - finalizing things at work before maternity leave, prenatal classes and eyesight course, helping organize International Holistic Vision Congress in Madrid this autumn, multiple flights in the last few weeks, and filling my days with hours of new (although really inspiring) information. Even finding some time for creativity and writing this blog has  been a real challenge some weeks. 

So really maybe the whole reason for why my desire to share might have been overwhelming is because I have been a little overwhelmed myself. And perhaps instead of running around trying to spread the good news and advice, I just need to take time to catch my breath and address all those slightly disheveled areas of my life. Just when I reached that conclusion, I remembered a great quote that seemed fitting:

"If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself. If you want to eliminate suffering, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself. Truly the greatest gift you have to give is your own transformation!” – Lao Tzu

The 10 lesser-known pregnancy symptoms

Nearly five months ago when my husband and I found out that we will be having a baby, I looked around for pregnancy iPad applications related to babies, pregnancy and birth. As my search for more holistic information packaged in an application did not yield a great range of options at the time, we decided to go for 'What to Expect' which is based on a book written some thirty years ago, known as America's pregnancy bible, 'What to Expect When You're Expecting'. The book is known as 'one of USA Today's 25 most influential books of the past 25 years', and apparently it's read by some 93% of American expecting women. 

After some research, I decided not to include this book in our reading list because, frankly, I was not particularly inspired by what seemed like an average American birth story. In addition, I really resonated with the best-selling pregnancy book review that ranked this book out of 5 stars in terms of how it will make the reader feel as 'zero-for empowered', '5-for healthier', '2-for happier', and '1-for prepared for birth'. I decided to go for other options instead.

Nonetheless, we downloaded the app as I really wanted to have something that would visually show us each week what mysterious things were happening inside my body, and help us start getting to know the baby. Watching a 3-minute video quickly became a little Friday morning ritual for my husband and I, and over the weeks we have found it quite entertaining to discover the latest news from 'in there' and what size the baby is going to be this week (each week the baby's head-to-butt length is described by comparing it to a fruit). 

I think that it is naturally easier for women to be present and connect with the babies early on as we get to experience the changes in our bodies and emotions. Therefore, our little weekly ritual was also intended to add new insights to my husband's perspective and help him feel more connected to our growing baby. It has been really enjoyable to watch his interest grow from unconvinced expression of "you-mean-this-little-dragon-is-my-child?.." to now feeling my bump many times a day and talking to the baby through my belly button.

I will admit that I have not used the app for anything else more or less since the very beginning. I felt the majority of articles and tips presented in it are quite uninformed and even misleading. Very few of their dietary or otherwise guidelines resonated with my beliefs, and I found myself off-put by constant encouragement to stay in close touch with 'your medical professional'. It made the whole pregnancy process seem entirely dependent on external advice rather than any reliance on woman's own empowered intuition. 

Each week the app shared an update on 'common symptoms' that women were likely to start experiencing - usually describing various 'ailments' in a somewhat humorous but convincing way and constantly suggesting to look out for more serious implications which needed to be discussed with 'your practitioner' or solved through 'light' medication. 

So early on I stopped reading these 'common symptoms' and decided that I just wasn't interested in getting convinced that I should be experiencing them. And I haven't. (This is identical to how every time while visiting Lithuania around Christmas we find everyone sick with flu and yet leave without being affected by it. This is probably mostly because we don't watch the news and advertisement campaigns trying to convince us that this is a good time to get ill.) Instead, I present my list of top 10 less-talked about pregnancy symptoms.

1. Feeling connected and never alone

Since the early beginning of the pregnancy I have absolutely loved the surprising thought that I am never alone. I keep experiencing the feeling that my body, mind and emotions are all deeply connected and overlap with those of a new human planning to join our planet. Even cravings for particular food or needing to rest more to me seem like an influence or suggestion coming from someone other than but yet at the same time inseparable from me. Pregnancy is an amazing time to feel connected!

2. Finding new place in the family tree

I have really enjoyed how my pregnancy seems to have triggered so many fascinating conversations about our family, distant relatives, and birth stories from other generations. This has been the case during all the meetings with my family members, but also with the family of my husband. It has been really interesting hearing our moms share the stories about our births, and reflecting on changing generations and contexts. Pregnancy is a great time to put our experiences into this bigger picture extending in both direction towards the roots of our families and also into the future generations to come. 

3. Bringing joy to others

I love how sharing the news about the baby has brought such an outpouring of joy from our family, friends and even random strangers. It's incredible how babies manifest this positive welcoming energy way before they arrive. Before getting pregnant, I used to think it was quite rude how people just go for the pregnant women's bellies without asking for permission first. I now think it's really funny because my belly seems to have become public property, and I have had people I hardly know touch or even kiss it while congratulating me. Pregnancy seems to unleash the joy in others that simply cannot be contained!

4. Feeling loved and looked after

This is another 'side-effect' of pregnancy that I have really enjoyed. I have found that showing up with my bump immediately makes everyone so gentle and loving towards me. And I am not just talking about my husband who has wrapped me in his love and care for nearly 4 years since we met. I mean people actually wrapping me in blankets when it's a little chilly outside, or nearly missing their lunch break in search for a particular meal that I might enjoy on that particular day. Perhaps something gets triggered subconsciously in us that we look after the moms carrying the continuation of our species, but I love it none-the-less.

5. Shifting focus and priorities

I really like that human pregnancy lasts for quite a long time - a good portion of a one-year cycle. Although I am sure that some would agree that nothing can really prepare us for the surprises of parenthood, I think the months leading up to the baby's arrival are such an incredible opportunity to reflex on our lives and make conscious changes that will ultimately enhance the entire family's well-being. Over these months I have really enjoyed the transition and the shift we are making as a couple towards this new experience. Pregnancy truly offers an opportunity to fine-tune what is really important.  

6. Witnessing the magic of body's wisdom

Observing how my body has been changing during the pregnancy has been absolutely fascinating (presently, I am in awe of my belly button beginning to turn inside out!). And it is even more incredible to think of all the magical processes that are happening at high speed and precision to not only continue keeping me well and healthy, but also to make my body the perfect environment in which our baby can develop. I recently watched a pregnancy yoga video which suggested a beautiful mantra that really resonates with me "I honor all that my body is doing to nurture, nourish and support my growing baby". Amen!

7. Getting to know own self and partner in a new way

I think that pregnancy not only gives us time to evaluate our priorities and prepare the environment for our children, but also gives us space to rediscover new and long forgotten parts of our being and begin the transformation to parenthood. The last few months for me have been incredible in terms of self-awareness (including many of the experiences and discoveries that I have shared in this blog), but also I am really enjoying getting to know my partner in this new light. It's a wonderful new dimension that I look forward to exploring even in more depth when the baby makes her appearance.

8. Opening up to softness and emotional intelligence

When I was little, I used to find myself somehow embarrassed that my mom could hardly watch any film without getting teary-eyed. Over the years, however, I have acquired a similar capacity to the point where I find two dogs running into the sunset somehow touching. Being pregnant, however, seems to have brought an extra dimension to it all. I find myself so overwhelmingly moved by the smallest (and sometimes weirdest) things - like cheesy Latin American pop music or my husband's rendition of 'la cucaracha' song. It's also been a time of a lot of emotional clearance, opening up of and healing the parts of me that I had forgotten about.  

9. Experiencing the awesomeness of being awake

Throughout my whole life I have been blessed with the gift of uninterrupted sleep. Being pregnant has changed that because I have lost count the number of times I have woken up between 3 am - 5 am over the last few months. And I love it! I find it so beautiful that nature starts preparing us for the times ahead when the baby will need our attention at night, but also night time is an amazing time for reflection, writing or simply getting things done. I found out that one of my favourite authors  Dr. Wayne W. Dyer used to have the same experience of waking up at night and wrote many of his books during that time. How gorgeously the famous Persian poet Rumi wrote in one of his poems about the magic of being awake at night:

"The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you

Don't go back to sleep!

You must ask for what you really want.

Don't go back to sleep!

People are going back and forth 

across the doorsill where the two worlds touch,

The door is round and open

Don't go back to sleep!"

10. Diving deep into dreams and intuition

Finally, I have loved the way pregnancy seems to have brought a new dimension to my dreams and heightened the intuitive capacities. I keep a dream journal where I write down the dreams that feel very vivid or important, and I found myself reaching for it a lot during the early pregnancy. There is also a new category of dreams about me meeting, birthing and feeding the baby, which I find very revealing, in terms of my fears or hopes. I have always thought of myself as intuitive, but over the last few months it feels like there is even more depth to it - I listen to my body's cues more intently, information and people that I need are easy to find. And that little nagging need to know 'what to expect' seems to have disappeared leaving me filled instead with curiosity and trust.

Tuning in to switch off

We have been on holidays in Argentina and Brasil for nearly two weeks now, and it has been absolutely wonderful. The only trouble was that I spent the entire first week unable to switch off and really relax my mind. It kept running through the list of things outstanding at work and returning to a number of tight deadlines that would be coming up right after the holidays. This was partly a result of work feeling like a pressure cooker in the last few days running up to the holidays, but also because the organisation I work for is currently in what I would describe a vortex of chaos, as it's going through a transition and multiple changes. The last day before holidays, I genuinely felt annoyed and dissatisfied with everything that was on my work to-do list and everything that remained on it when time came to leave for the airport. 

But while the dreadful thoughts about having to return to work kept circling in my mind, it seemed, that it was only part of the issue. Our holidays started, and I kept feeling this nagging resistance to everything that in any way - no matter how small - felt like a task or something that I had to do. And I mean everything, including things I normally really love - new e-mails from friends appearing in my mailbox and requiring my response; fun activities which I would agree to do on the next day and which I would immediately feel annoyed about as I would have to wake up earlier for them;  postcards I bought during our trip which now meant I had to write them. As the days kept ticking by, I continued to feel anxious and antsy with mounting internal pressure that I had to relax - after all, this was a holiday that we had been planning for a long time. I even started craving for processed sugar snacks which for me is something quite unusual after living without them for the last two years. 

The worst part of this whole inner struggle was that it felt somehow more exaggerated because it was such a stark contrast from what surrounded us, as we made our way to the North of Argentina and Brasil. I was seeing and experiencing some of the most beautiful things that exist on this planet. We explored the gorgeous Iguazú Falls and the stunning rainforests around them. I admired clouds of butterflies that would land on my hands and open their wings. There were all the new animals and birds to meet and get to know - cute coatís, tucans, araras, yacarés and kapybaras (it has been a lifelong dream of mine to see them up close since my dad told me about these guinea pig-shaped world's biggest rodents when I was a little girl). The place where we stayed in our beautiful cabin in Los Esteros region of Argentina for a few days offered breathtaking peace and purity of nature. We had walks, rested, ate delicious home-cooked meals, and took a night trip on a boat under an infinitely starry sky to explore the laguna and see the nightlife of thousands of animals living in Los Esteros. 

And yet here I was restless and unable to be fully present to all that was around us. I kept trying to find the root cause, some memory or a situation in one of the past jobs - anything that would explain why I was feeling this way. But nothing really happened, and while I remembered feeling similarly in the past, it just wasn't "it". Until a massive rain storm woke me up one night. The sound of thunder and falling wall of water was accompanied by a choir of frogs just outside our open window. And here it was, just as loud in my mind, an answer to what I had been looking for - the memory of the day to which my mind had been subconsciously trying to bring me back. 

I am five and I am in the kindergarten. It's time for our daily nap break, which is when our play area gets converted to a war-hospital style arrangement of beds that fold out of the cabinets in the walls. Some 20 of us, kids, have to line up in them and sleep for some time every day. I am in a bed which does not feel particularly comfortable with crispy white sheets that feel different from those at home. It's the middle of the day and the room is bright and full of light. I don't feel sleepy at all. I spend some time staring at the window and following with my gaze those transparent microscopic floating "worms" that appear to move every time I move my eyes. Among the sound of some kids already asleep, there are some that are continuing to shift uncomfortably and cannot sleep, like me. I start a whispery conversation with my neighbour who I think is sleepier than I am. The kindergarten assistant, or "nanny" as we used to call her, appears suddenly, unhappy about me disturbing the peace and not sleeping. My protests and explanations about not being sleepy fall on deaf ears, and the negotiation is not moving anywhere. I ask her to go to the bathroom partly because I need to go but also because I know it would shorten the nap time by at least five minutes. She gets annoyed with my refusal to obey and do as I am told, so she takes off her slipper and slaps with it my bottom under the covers. I am left alone to cry and soothe myself. I feel so angry, misunderstood and forced to do something that I absolutely do not want to. The "worms" in the window appear blurry through the tears for a while, and then I fall asleep. 

Thankfully, I had parents enlightened enough to listen seriously to the five-year-old me sharing this story at home, and I got withdrawn from the kindergarten immediately. I spent the remaining months before first grade at home, often on my own, free to enjoy my fairy tale books.

Surrounded by the rain and frog songs, I spent some time sitting in meditation with the little girl in this memory and rearranging it in such a way that felt complete and peaceful by the end of the meditation. I woke up the next day with absolutely clear mind, feeling like all the weight of that nagging tension was completely lifted off. Work troubles felt distant and manageable when I would need to deal with them. Gone was the pressure of having to do something I didn't wish to do. I felt free, relaxed and ready to enjoy the rest of our holidays. And maybe even have a few naps, but only when I want to. 

Doctor's orders

Over the last two weeks the key topic sizzling in my mind has been our medical system. Now, I am not even going to pretend that I love it the way it is because even using love in the same sentence feels like a struggle. I admire and am thankful for the amazing work the medical professionals can do for our bodies when we flop out of a helicopter or have any other trauma or injury, but as far as most chronic conditions, natural bodily functions and general health are concerned, I think to say that there is room for improvement only does justice if one is forbidden to use words 'inadequate', 'insufficient', 'unsatisfactory' and all their synonyms.

Well, as part of our pregnancy journey with a lovely group of midwives, we have been asked for one set of medical tests to ensure that all is well and that we can continue with our intention for a home birth. And that's when we entered the maze of the medical machine. The nicest way I can think of to describe the appointments with the different medical professionals that we had over the last two weeks would be saying that the whole experience was like a string of really bad dates with bad chemistry. You know, we have all been there in search of true love.

Some of my medical 'partners' were really grumpy because I was late for our 'first date' - the fact that I waited until the middle of the pregnancy to show up made some of them huff and puff quite rudely during most of the appointments. It did not seem to matter that most babies over the last few thousands of years grew up happy and healthy without being scanned and poked during pregnancies. The fact that I was late made me a bad date.

Most of the appointments felt like speed-dating with partners that were not that into me - it all happened very fast and without any real presence or desire to get to know each other. There was no eye contact, no smiles and no connection at all - a pregnant mama (i.e. me) didn't even get asked how I was doing and whether I felt generally happy.  They just sort of wanted to talk more about themselves and their services and get the meeting over with.

Do you know those bad dates where your partner keeps checking their phone and updating their Facebook status rather than talking to you? It was like that. The doctors were glued to the monitors without talking to me, making mysterious clicks that apparently I didn't need to be informed about, despite all of it being about me and my health! 

Some of them were like the bad dates where the other person wants you to commit to the next date and to being with them right there and then - one of the GPs that I visited got irritated when I told him that I was not available for appointments the following week due to a work commitment that had been planned many months ago. He proceeded to give me a full lecture on how I really need to rethink priorities in my life because - man, it's all about to change.

Have you ever been on a bad date with someone who is trying to figure out what is wrong with you - you know the fact that you are still single cannot possibly mean you are enjoying it and it is a clear sign that there is something intrinsically not right? Well, this was like that - the simple fact that here I was walking on two feet seemed to convince them that there had to be something wrong with my body. I appeared to frustrate them by not displaying any apparent signs of 'wrongness' as it made it impossible to point out my negligence and irresponsibility about not seeing them sooner.

The appointments also brought back memories of those bad dates where someone is really trying to fit you into their list of tick-boxes of an ideal partner and the more of them can get ticked off, the better. Clearly, I didn't seem to fit the tick-boxes of a submissive good patient (to start with I didn't even feel like I was one!), and that didn't go down too well. I left behind a trace of empty boxes or gave them weird responses that didn't fit (apparently, 'spirulina' is not one of the correct answers to the question about food supplements I am taking during pregnancy).

Back in the day I had a few bad dates with guys who upon sensing that perhaps there would not be another date proceeded to advise me how I should start behaving if I ever want to find myself in a relationship. This was similar. Generally, I really struggle to receive advice from people who I naturally do not have an admiration for or who do not seem that far ahead in the game. Likewise, many health professionals to me look so far from ideal image of health that it nearly makes me want to do the opposite of what I am being advised. At times the conversation felt like trying to discuss with your mechanic the most breathtaking views experienced while driving your amazing car and then realising that your mechanic who knows all the parts of the car does not have a good driving record. I giggled half of the morning when we drove up to one of the biggest hospitals in Madrid and saw that it had its very own McDonalds, fully lit with white medical coats of staff having their morning chicken McNuggets. Well my favourite nugget 0f wisdom came from our town GP who insisted that I need to start preparing my body for the baby's arrival (because clearly my body is completely oblivious to what's happening with it during these 9 months) and should intensively rub my nipples with alcohol three times a day to make them ready for breastfeeding. When he offered me to come back with any questions, keeping my mouth shut and not advising him back which parts of his body he should rub with alcohol was one of the most difficult things over the last two weeks!

Have you had an experience where your date gets defensive when you ask them a question? If you haven't, you can try during your next medical appointment - regardless of the fact that we all have a right to know about the risks and alternatives of every process or suggestion that we receive from medical professionals, asking questions is not appreciated. No matter how gently or simply you might phrase your query, it is likely that they might feel that you are questioning their authority and orders.

There are also those bad dates with awkward physical contact where you just know that although sex and appearances is not everything, it will just not work. During one of the appointments I had the joy of testing the famous chair that positions you with your bum spreadeagled towards the door and upwards. Whoever designed it must have really been interested in medieval history and especially the chapter on torture contraptions. It felt so unnatural and uncomfortable that I think I would struggle to release trapped intestinal gas positioned this way, let alone birth a baby. And yet this continues to be the acceptable and standard position for birth in most medical establishments.

And then you know when you just get interested and start receiving texts or information from your date, but it makes no sense and is impossible to decipher what they meant? Doctors' notes are like that. I have seen patterns scratched out by chicken looking for grains that had more meaning in comparison to the scribbles on the medical paperwork that was being passed around about my 'condition' from one hospital to the other.

So this week just as we were getting ready for our ultrasound appointment, I decided I had had enough of these bad dates. We woke up early, and I was determined to make it to the other side with my head held high. I found my favourite skirt that beautifully reveals my legs, put my brightest underwear on (if I'll be flashing onto the hallway, I might as well blind everyone who decides to peak in!), sprayed a dash of perfume and added some extra mascara - I was going full force on this! We joked around with my husband the whole time it took us to drive to the hospital and then stayed relaxed and giggly during the 45 minutes that our 'date' was late by. When our turn finally came, the whole experience was simply excellent - the staff were polite and gentle and laughed at our joke about my unpronounceable surname as we came in. The main doctor had kind gentle eyes and soft calming voice. There was just the right amount of eye contact, questions and answers. I enjoyed a comfortable position with no need to expose my underwear. We felt comfortable and well cared for. 

So just like that it happened - you know those dates that maybe do not end up in a long relationship or even a relationship at all, but where you have a really nice time and leave inspired and thinking that it is all possible. That while this might not be it, somewhere so close, just around the corner, your true love is coming. And we left knowing just that. We are having a baby girl.  

Vision for life

One of the most surprising things that has happened since I started writing this blog, is that the more I become open to the idea of being present and mindful with the most challenging moments of my day, the more amazing experiences seem to resurface precisely from those areas of my life that I find most difficult to accept and enjoy.

Eyesight is one of such areas in my life and I had a very powerful example of transforming this challenge into something beautiful at my last natural vision improvement class. We had a guided meditation exercise which involved us physically walking forwards and backwards on a line drawn on the floor which represented our life. The goal was to move between the future (the moment when clear vision is achieved) and the past (the moment when we consciously or not made the decision not to see the world around us clearly), and meet with our future and past selves to gain insights for clear vision and release blocks holding us back against it. All of this was done with a support of a guide that helped each one of us along the way by being a present witnesses of this process.

This is what the moment of when I see with total clarity looked like. 

   My future version is so happy, free and smiley. I have a healthy body, great posture without any tension, straight back and clear vision. I hold my head in a relaxed but well-aligned way. I receive compliments about how healthy and sparkly my eyes appear. I have even more confidence in the magical powers of my body. Yoga continues to be among my daily routines and rituals. My movements are flowing. I am so content with everything that I have been able to learn through the process, and it is wonderful to be able to share this story with others to inspire them to improve their vision. I feel even more open to what is possible because I have arrived at something that many say is impossible to achieve. My family and close friends are proud of the changes they see in me. I am also proud of what I have achieved. I spend less time working in front of the computer and I am doing something that I absolutely adore. My work is very creative and engages my mind and my hands. I continue to enjoy writing. I smile a lot and I see the world with curiosity. I can see faces clearly and I am surrounded by people that I enjoy my time with. I am open to strangers approaching me as I no longer have the fear of misunderstanding their expressions. I am open, attentive and connected to everyone that I engage with. There is a lot of warm physical contact. I am one of those people that I myself love to meet who make you happy the instant you get to know them. It seems like I have always been that way, but my own insecurities did not let me see it. There is an ease and comfort in how I relate to the world and that feels great. Even simple daily tasks like cooking or reading are more enjoyable. I feel more present and connected with all that surrounds me. Moments of introspection and introversion are there for me to enjoy when I choose them but there is no need to hide in them from perceived insecurity, noise or nuisance of the world. It is easy for me to make decisions. It is also easy to talk to others about the self-imposed limits that we set ourselves, because I have positive personal experiences of changing that. I still live in Spain and continue enjoying the abundance of sunshine. I am wearing light feminine summer clothes and I feel the wind gently combing through my long hair. 

During the meditative journey to the past, here is what I saw when I returned to the moment of when the clarity of my vision was disrupted. 

   I am six and I am sitting on my parents' bed in their bedroom. There is an electronic clock with bright blue-green numbers in front of me (this clock was made by my father who is an engineer). The room is full of bookshelves stuffed with books. I am alone at home and will need to leave for school in 20 minutes. I am reading. I have been able to read since I was 3.5 and I already hold a library membership card. I can read really really well and I would love to be able to spend the day doing that. I am spending the remaining minutes before school competing with myself - how fast I can finish a page or a line.  I am aware that the numbers on the bright clock in front of me a not perfectly clear. Not as clear as the pages that I am reading. I do not want to go to school as I would prefer to stay at home and keep reading. I find the desk uncomfortable at school and the teacher is constantly nagging me about my posture. She says girls should keep their legs together rather than sticking one out of the desk like I do. I do not see the blackboard very well. I am not sure that I want to. I find the learning process boring and stiff. Even our break time is timed and controlled. I also feel like I need to prove something to someone. Maybe to the teacher, so that she would stop commenting about how I sit. I can impress others with how well I read. I adore handwriting and find my eyes glued to the point where the nib touches the paper. I am aware it feels like a present moment because there are letters that have already happened and blank lines is where the future text will appear. I like tasks that involve looking nearby and that I can do at my own pace. I do not like doing things I do not want to do and that happens a lot at school. 

The next step of the guided meditation process was to examine whether in that moment when the vision was disrupted we truly had a choice about our circumstances, and whether there was really anything else that we could have done instead. The key point was to be open to the possibility that everything happened the way it had to happen and that nobody is to blame for it. It's beautiful to see it this way. I do not know now whether in a different country at a different time with an alternative schooling option I would have had the same experiences. Probably not. I probably would have thrived as an eager learner and would have engaged with learning in a joyful and more relaxed way. But in this particular timeline it did not happen. My parents made the best decision they could make. And I made the best decision I could make - to keep myself safe and cocooned in a world that is less edgy and less strictly defined. 

The key puzzle piece in all of this is accepting that perhaps the past versions of ourselves did not have the same wisdom, resources and understanding that we have now, in the present moment. So even if I would not necessarily make the same - conscious or unconscious - decision now, as a child, I did not have the same insights that I have now. During the guided meditation we were asked to think about what these resources were for us and return to those situations in our lives where they were gained. For me, the key three strengths that I now have as an adult are 1) greater awareness that everything is well in each moment when we are fully present; 2) realization that inner peace about who I am releases outer pressures and tensions (when I feel peaceful the world is peaceful around me); 3) the knowing that through my thoughts and reactions I create my own version of reality. 

The most powerful part of the meditation for me before returning to the present moment was going back to face the past version of myself and imagining giving myself as a gift those key strengths or resources that I now have. This meditative moment of my adult self meeting my inner child self will stay with me as one of the most magical experiences I have ever had. Seen from the eyes of an adult - here I am this tiny little 6 year old girl - so absolutely beautiful and perfect in every way. I am amazed at my own drive, eagerness to learn and desire to succeed at such a young age. I am absolutely overwhelmed with love and affection. I stoop down to her eye level and give her the biggest hug. The possibility to see my adult self through the eyes of my 6-year-old self was equally incredible. Here I am, so grown up and so perfect, the way nice aunties appear on their wedding day. I stare at myself with utter admiration and some shyness because I really want to be comforted and held by this woman. And then she hugs me. In all the versions of myself (including the one doing the exercise) I had tears streaming down my face.

As the two versions of ourselves converged and the meditation came to the close, I was left with a feeling of huge release and of knowing that both the past and the future can change and do change when we place our awareness and attention on where they merge - the present - or the point of where the nib touches the paper and where the story is still taking shape. Or as my beloved author Terry Pratchett puts it:

“(...) the universe is, instant by instant, re-created anew. Therefore (...) there is, in truth, no Past, only a memory of the Past. Blink your eyes, and the world you see next did not exist when you closed them. Therefore (...) the only appropriate state of the mind is surprise. The only appropriate state of the heart is joy. The sky you see now, you have never seen before. The perfect moment is now. Be glad of it.” ― Terry Pratchett

Family matters

I knew that I wanted the next topic of this blog to be about our family but I really needed time to let it sink in. Even on the day when I became aware of the weekly deadline of 'I have to write' building up, a little note on my favourite Yogi tea said 'Let things come to you', so I decided not to rush with this. 

The following quote kept returning to my mind and resonating with me throughout the week:

"Any time a baby is born to a family, the freshness of his perspective is added to the chain of consciousness of the family and the potential for great evolution is gifted to the family. I like to think of heritage like a painting that someone began long time ago. Each new member of the family comes to amend the painting as it progresses towards the masterpiece that it is to become." Teal Swan

This felt so real to me, especially at this beautiful time in our lives when we are preparing for a new baby to join our family. Also, I had a rare pleasure of spending over a week with my mom. We indulged in various combinations of walks in the mountains with Pepe the dog, eating tasty meals, shopping for cute matching tops for the summer, being lazy in front of the TV while catching up on documentaries on reptilians, and talking. And I really mean covering just about every topic we could think of. We remembered nearly everyone we know in our family tree, dead or alive. We talked about sex, pregnancy and birth stories through generations in our family. We discussed the complexity and beauty of the workings of this Universe. We shared lots of stories – the difficult ones that brought up tears and shadows, and the funny ones that made us giggle.

So after our time together, I really knew I wanted to write about my family, but I could not quite decide which leg of the three-legged-stool (that I am guessing most families’ dynamics are) to focus on – the weird, the “wrong” or the wonderful. Focusing on the challenges and difficulties that we have experienced together would have brought out the aspects of “wrongness” or how things should have been different in some ideal world. The “weird” would perhaps show how we are unique in comparison to other families. At the end, this blog is about loving what is without wanting it to be anything other than what it is in the present moment, no matter how “wrong” or weird it might appear. So I decided to focus on all those experiences that I have had with this family (which - I believe - I chose to arrive into) that I actually love just the way they are. Here they are, in no particular order, the things I love about my family.

I don’t actually remember the last time we ever sat together and, for example, just enjoyed each other’s company while engaging in some simply pleasurable game or activity (like playing cards), but when it comes to diving deep into discussions about the twisted innards of the multi-dimensional Universe and the Meaning of Life there is no stopping us. And we have tried! While going deep into such conversations can be exhausting, I like that the majority of the most profound and thought-provoking conversations I have had in my life happened with my family members.

We may not all enjoy a perfect health 100% of the time, and each have had or continue to have challenges but we all possess a strong sense of the magical essence of bodies when it comes to healing as well as the power of mind-body connection. At least at some point in our lives, we have all been open to various alternative healing therapies and modalities – acupuncture and acupressure, reiki, crystals, magnets, affirmations and shadow work, release of energetic blocks, hands-on healing, coffee enemas, liver flushes, positive affirmations, etc. I love it!

We all have a passion for food - simple, tasty and nourishing. And we are aware of how powerful nutrition can be in allowing the body to restore itself and return to balance.

Since my parents’ divorce the four of us live in four different countries and we may not meet again. I am more bothered not by this thought but by the fact that even arranging physical meetings between two or three of us is cumbersome and, frankly, there seems to be a time limit for how long we enjoy each other’s physical company. But, by god, if I ever have a problem, no matter how small, or need any support from my family, their presence, care and concern in my life become as intense and palpable as if we were all in the same room. 

We don’t touch like they do in hip-shaking-rhythm-filled countries such as Argentina or Spain (I often admire on metros or in public how much Spanish people kiss and caress their kids!) but I don’t remember doubting that my family loved me. I also really like the other side of being “hands-off” in that we do not interfere with each other’s decisions or personal truths. Everyone is allowed to make their own decisions without obsessive control or need of approval. And we are slowly getting a little bit better at this whole touching thing with an odd hug or a kiss…

Even years ago, I remember sharing with pride how liberal our parents were in terms of allowing my sister and I to define our own experiences and make our own choices. My parents were always inspired by Kahlil Gibran’s quote about children being the arrows that just need to be aimed and let go off. It feels like that in my family - that whatever were the mystical karmic reasons for our souls to gather on this planet, it has all  been resolved between the four of us. And since we are not very good at just hanging out to play cards, the family unit is no longer needed as such. So it seems that we keep in touch not because of any blood ties or obligations, but simply because we find each other actually interesting.

Finally, one of the things that I admire the most about us is that we all have the inner awareness about things not being what they seem on the surface but rather all interwoven with mystery and magic. Therefore, our opinions often border on the edges or even completely alternative paths from what mainstream thinking might be.

It’s absolutely fascinating to be at this transition between the mossy family roots and a little bud of a new branch beginning to form. I really look forward to welcoming into our lives and getting to know this tiny painter with a fresh perspective who will add new colours and shapes to our family’s masterpiece.

On limits

Since I found out about my pregnancy back in November, naturally, I have been doing a lot of research and reading about birth and babies. It is an absolutely fascinating topic, full to the brim of opinions and advice. I strongly believe that in the current days of information overload, one needs to be quite clear about their own ideas and intentions before beginning any research, because otherwise very rapidly someone else's opinions will fill up every available brain cell. 

Very early on my husband and I decided that our intention and vision was opting for a natural home birth, therefore, our research has mainly focused on that. A couple of my favourite and most inspiring resources have been the documentary Orgasmic Birth and Happy Healthy Child DVD Series. They both present birth as the most beautiful natural process that can be incredibly empowering, pain-free, and even pleasurable, assuming the woman's body is allowed to do what it has been designed to do in the most natural and undisturbed way. While I realise that it might be difficult to foresee the outcome of something as unpredictable as birth, I resonate very strongly with their ideas and have been enjoying diving deeper to learn more about it. After all, having a clear vision or intention about how I would like to experience something is the fastest route to manifesting such an experience.

I have also realised, however, that pregnancy is not only time for blissful thoughts, but it is also nature's way of allowing us space to work through our deepest fears and shadows in preparation for a transformation to parenthood. So over the last few weeks while I have been soaking up this positive inspiring information, I have also had a few situations of seeing my own fears and worries reflected through people around me. Two conversations that triggered me in particular (one of which was last week, and I was not even supposed to be listening to it as it was someone else's phone call) alluded through statements or questions to possible future birth scenarios that the other people briefly imagined for me - mainly, involving pain and a c-section. 

I got really upset on both occasions and as I witnessed my storming emotions, it became clear to me that I was less fearful of the actual outcomes imagined by others, but actually more frustrated with the very idea that other people can limit our experiences in their imaginations. Worst of all, it made absolutely no sense to me on what basis this is done - how can someone decide that a certain experience is possible or not for you? When someone says something is impossible, is this based on their objective knowledge of the ultimate laws of this universe, on their own limited experience, or on them simply deciding that they will not permit you to have that experience? As the mastery of the universal laws appeared to be the least plausible explanation, the other two remained, and I found both of them equally annoying.

During the process, I felt like I was trying too hard to find that memory from my past that would reveal the secret lesson in this - when was the first time that I ever felt like I really struggled with limits? Was it with my parents? grandparents? teachers? And at the precise moment when I stopped trying to find it, I saw it. It was the day when my father showed me that it was possible not to feel pain. To say that as a little girl I considered my father an ever-powerful magician who knew all the laws of the universe would be an understatement because I actually thought that was the case till I was probably 25-years-old. In this particular memory, he gently pushed a thick needle through the skin between the base of his fingers explaining to me how powerful our minds were, and that it was possible to focus in such a way that dissolved the sensation of pain. Now talk about something to share as news with the other kids! I remember rushing outside to discuss this advanced magic with my friends in our backyard, and being stunned with their responses about how that was not possible. I felt the exact same frustration as I would feel again some 25 years later - was it impossible because the rules of the universe did not allow that, because the other kids had not experienced it, or because they did not want me to have that experience? As I had just witnessed the "impossible", the only option that made sense was allowing them to stick to their limited experience, and carry on believing what I knew was true to me.

Ironically, much later, when I was already a university student, the very topic of limits became one of my personal limits. Through all the years of Mathematics studies that I grasped with ease, the only topic that I remember really struggling with was one of the central ideas of calculus - limits. The concept is used to define "the value that a function or sequence "approaches" as the input approaches some value" (you know, this crazy stuff -  ). The limit is basically the boundary beyond which the variable or any member of the sequence will not pass. It seemed to make no sense to me then how a boundary was something that could never be reached and yet at the same time it was being continuously approached  (in my imagination a limit was the idea that eventually you just bumped into something and stopped approaching!). And it got even more complicated when you chose the input to approach the mysterious idea of infinity. As I was thinking about all of this last week, it struck me that maybe that was the whole point - every time we see a "limit" instead of seeing it as something to stop us in our tracks, we should just think about continuously "approaching" it. And perhaps the key way to deal with these situations when we feel that someone else is trying to define a limit to our experience, unless you really really know they are the master of the universal laws, is to gently return back to our own core and reset the limit to infinity.